Intended Meaning?

Speaking does not mean the words are heard.
Hearing the words does not mean listening.
Listening to the words does not mean understanding.

Say what you mean and mean what you say?
Even when you say what you mean there is a chance that the person(s) hearing are not listening; if they are they may not be taking your meaning for what is meant, but instead for what they feel it means, and that is "a failure to communicate" (Cool Hand Luke).

Thoughts that are spoke to ones self can fall prey to this same folly of failure in ones own mind.
The things you tell yourself may not be what you mean to tell yourself, but they are felt and interpreted that way; the wrong way.
Those voices in your head, those counterfeit people you have created from those that are a part of your life and keep them locked away in your mind, and that inner critic that is too critical are all ways that you allow for self-doubt and tangling of words with meaning.

Intoning. Intention. Inflection. What did you mean by that? How do you want others to take your words?
The subtle differences in pitch, in volume, in tone, or in body language when you say words makes others take them to mean different things.
How sarcastic did you intend what you said to be? How sincere were your words?

If you have to explain yourself to others does that mean that you are a poor communicator? Does it mean they are a bad listener? Or, does it conclude that each person is an individual with their own personal thoughts, feelings, and concepts on what is and is not and therefore they presume the words fit their way of thinking and what is felt by them; ego, angst, and pride may play a part in the picking and choosing of the meant that they take from your meaning.

How do we make those we care for understand the deeper meaning behind our words? How do we help them to comprehend what we really want them to hear?

Emotion can be put into words. Those words can be put down on the page. The pages can be read. In the reading of those words the meaning can be lost. "There lies the rub" (Hamlet); if the meaning is not lost then it is surely bent in the direction of presumed-intent.

Fostering Feelings

It has been over a year since we took in our first foster child. She was just over four months old when our home became her home. It has been an adventure full of ups and downs, an emotional rollercoaster, and an experience worth having.
Our whole family has taken a liking to her. She is one of the Reeds now. We have shared two Christmas' and two New Year's, a birthday, a family reunion, and so much more.
Her first crawl, first sitting up, first food, first steps, and first words to name a few. We've had long nights full of tossing and turning and crying. We've had smiles and belly laughs. She has tested my patients by getting into things, repeating actions she has been told "not a choice" and removed from, and she has thrown some temper tantrums that involve banging her head and shrill screams and kicking. There are so many moments we have shared.
In June we had our second foster child join us. This little girl is a year and a day older than our first. She is a relative and so there are more complications that come with that. It puts me in a position that is not always easy and difficult for other family members to understand. I don't make the rules, but I do abide by them for her safety and well-being.
There have been so many changes that have taken place and so many changes on the verge of taking place that sometimes the moments are too much and I find myself lost in a sea of thoughts unable to see the shoreline. The year ended with me feeling lost at sea with a storm brewing, cracking of lightning, roaring of thunder, and waves of emotion crashing over me and flooding my vessel. I have not capsized. I will persevere. I have an able crew of friends and family that are on board with me and willing to help in any way they can and for that I am most grateful.

Life Philosophy

Think?

Do you think?

Believe?

Do you believe?

Know?

Do you know?

To think is to

believe and to

believe is to know.

Written Junior Year of High School

Who am I and who am I becoming?

I am me and that me is daughter, sister, mother, wife, lover, friend, creative soul, crone, teacher, companion, listener, advocate, and Yaya (aka Grandmother).

I am becoming more the crone, gaining wisdom and understanding about how life is and ways to live life to the fullest without losing those things that are an intricate part of who I am already.


What are my guiding beliefs and values?


Do what thou will, harm none. I believe that I am a small intricate strand, of the great tapestry of life, that it is continuously being woven and the pattern changes with each decision that we make. I believe in fate with flexibility. I value the ability to communicate and connect with others, the opportunity to help those around me, and the experiences of life that allow us to give voice to who we are. I value family and friends that are as good, if not better, than family. I value the support, security, and trust that goes with being surrounded by those that care and want me to grow as a person. I value the connection that I have with my husband and the honesty and understanding that we have built together over the years. I value who I am.


What motivates and inspires me?


When I see an opportunity to help others I am motivated to find ways to do so. When I am encouraged by those that are a part of my life to accept new experiences and take on challenges I am motivated to do so. When I think of what my future holds for me if I continue on the path that I have chosen I am motivated to lengthen my stride and keep moving forward.


What do I need to do to take responsibility for my life?


I need to make sure that I have the proper foot holds and hand holds for climbing my cliff, that there are ledges for me to rest on and take sight of my progress, and that I become an active participant in my own life. One goal at a time, in a time that is reasonable, and keep sight of the bigger picture.


What is my life purpose-what am I here to contribute?


My purpose is to weave my way through life in a way that I connect with others and they connect with me, creating a network that is strong and supportive, and provides warmth and understanding through living.


What kind of world do I want to live in?


I want to live in a world that is open to all walks of life, without judgement, contempt, greed, or underhanded behavior. I want to live in a world that lives by the belief, "Do what thou will, harm none."


What will I do to leave the world a better place?


I will make a conscious effort to be impeccable with my word, not assume, remember it is not all about me, and to do my best. These are the four agreements as written by Don Miguel Ruiz in his Toltec Wisdom book, The Four Agreements. I will remember to be respectful of Mother Earth and help to keep her safe and healthy. I will teach my children, grandchildren, and those that I come in contact with the importance of living life in this way. Through these conscious efforts I will leave the world a better place.


Things to remember...
Everything happens for a reason and there is a reason for everything.


Bubble Blowing 101
Bubbles cause you to control your breathing, focus, and release. With every bubble blow out those thoughts and feelings that need to go, let them fly away in the breeze, pop and disappear.


Your best differs from dad to day. It's important to do the best you can for that day, at that time.


Fate is flexible.

History Lesson of My Life

Born to a mother that had already given birth to seven other children and had not intended on adding an eighth. My early childhood was spent living by the river, living in a rural area of Ohio (is there any area of Ohio that is not rural?), and being the product of a "broken home".

How many eight year olds get to experience driving across country in a station wagon with two older sisters, a cousin's girlfriend, the family dog, a mother, and all that your family owned? I know of one such eight year old. My mother drove us from Ohio to Oklahoma, through the Painted Desert and Petrified Forest, through the Red Woods, into Reno, and on to Oregon; our final destination.

A single mom with three daughters in a small town in Oregon that had a surprising amount of Ohio transplants. And these were not just any Ohio transplants; these were people my mother had known that were either family, friends of family, or people that were family of friends.

At fourteen I experienced sex for the first time. I experienced being with child. At fourteen I gave birth to the first of three sons. There is more to this story and a story I will share, however, here it is only a history lesson and that lesson is an outline of my history.

Graduation from high school with a diploma and a three year old son was an accomplishment or so I have been told. With the help and support of my mother and other relatives I was able to stay in school, get decent grades, and be social enough to not feel that I was an outcast for having had my son. He was a part of my class, he was a part of my extra curricular activities, and he was adored by all who had the opportunity to be around him.

A week after turning eighteen I became involved with the man I would spend the next twenty plus years with, have two sons with, and be dependent on in ways that were not always healthy.

So much bouncing around from one small community to another, raising the boys into young men, becoming a Yaya (aka grandmother), and finding my way to college for the first time made for a life that seemed to be anything but my own.

This history lesson of me is an outline on a time line of my life. There are so many threads that are woven together, twisted and inner twined, that create the tapestry that has been my life. As this blog grows and progresses there will be elaborations on events of the past, situations of the present, and the dreams for the future.

The Questioning Begins

Our daughter asked me today if she grew in my belly. She has been ours since she was four months old and it became official when she was two and a half years old. She is five and a half years old now.

She has asked about how she came to be ours before, but she would always say something about being in my belly and didn't ask whose belly she was in. This time when I told her she grew in my heart and that I have loved her from the first time I held her in my arms she asked "whose belly did I grow in?" And "didn't they want a baby?" 

We knew a day would come when she would have questions. We were not expecting it to be so soon. 

The Absence of Life

Darkness wraps a blanket around the mourning. There is a flood overflowing the barriers as the storm of emotions builds. The squalls rise. Howling and screaming fill the days and nighs; no difference between the two exists. The eye of the storm offers small reprieve from the chaos that gathers strength with each passing thought swirling through the minds eye.
Truth is the storm never subsides completely. The eye grows, giving a semblance of peace. Yet, the chaos lingers at a distance, only wreaking havoc during special occasions and intense memories and other random moments throughout life.

At the Year...Waiting for the Day

More ups than down
    Climbing one foot hold
                   one hand hold
                            at a time
There has been no bag of tricks
                instead
                           a box of tools
This time there was forethought
       This time there were plans for survival
                                       plans for achieving
                                       an overwhelming desire
                                            to continue on this journey
Together setting anchors
                attaching lines
                    creating support
      keeping a vigilant eye out for problem spots
                   maneuvering around and up and over dangers
This is our journey
   we are together
        hand in hand
           heart for heart
                 making our way
         to our year and a day