Deleted Scenes

Those who have been to the blog before may have noticed that many posts have disappeared, have been deleted, and exist no more. There is a reason for that and that reason is, they served their purpose, and now I am done with that purpose. What was is no more. What is is what it is. What will be? Well, that is something we will have to wait and see.
My tapestry has gone through a great deal and needed mending along the way. This blog helped with some of that mending and this blog caused some mending to need done. The needle and tread are put back in the sewing kit and the loom is working in a timely manner to show what the future has in store for me, one moment at a time.
What I post on this blog from now on will deal more with me and less with others in my life. What I post will still be personal and have to do with my life and how things are going, how I am feeling, and all those other things that make it well worth the read; however, it may take some awareness of the words to find the meaning and it may mean reading and rereading to truly understand what was read, because my blog will be full of metaphors, philosophy, and what ever suits my fancy at the time that does not cause undo stress to those that I love and care for. It is acceptable for me to put my life out there for the world to see but it is not acceptable for me to put others lives out there without their permission, so that will no longer occur. There is no need to put them under the magnifying glass at high noon just to see if they can feel the heat and recognize the source. Lessons have been learned all the way around.

Taking a Turn

The road I have been traveling is full of curves and cliffs, some guard rails are in place, and parts are gravel and get kind of skiddish when I try to go too fast. After months of traveling along this road I have come to a turn that put me on a back road. I have had to slow down and keep a careful eye on my speed, keep an eye out for bumps and dips, and be mindful of my surroundings and respond appropriately.
Slowing down and being aware is not a bad thing, it is just a thing, an important thing. This road, this back road that I now travel, this is the road that leads to a destination that I want to reach. There are no guard rails along this road. There are steep cliffs that could be dangerous if I lose sight of my goal to reach my destination. I will have challenges as I continue with my forward momentum. Those challenges may seem bigger and badder than they really are some days, so it is up to me to make sure that I have the sense of mind to remember this and keep things in perspective.
Life is taking a turn. I am taking a turn. It is a long awaited turn. Where it leads is a partial mystery; partial because all I do know for sure is that I have company along the way and where ever it leads we will arrive there together.

Needle and Thread, No Scissors

The tapestry that is my life, the complete story of who I am, has knots and tangled threads that are ugly and make it hard to focus on the bigger scheme of the story; instead the focus keeps coming back to that ugly mess in my tapestry. The first thirty-nine years of the tapestry has very few knots and tangles. The ones that are there are mostly from my childhood and none are as eye catching as the most recent ones.
It is like they say it only takes one "oh shit" to undo a lifetime of "atta boys". My "oh shit" was more than some are willing to forgive. The thing that I need to remember is that there is only two people in the world that need to consider forgiving my "oh shit" and those two people are me and Jeffrey, no one else's forgiveness really matters. I am not saying that I don't want them to forgive me; I am saying that I am focusing on gaining forgiveness from myself and from Jeffrey. I am not asking to forget, only to forgive, and through that forgiveness work on focusing on the future of the tapestry that is my life and allowing the eyes to see what is possible and imagine a life full of trust and happiness between Jeffrey and me.
I have no way to cut the knots and tangles from my tapestry. To do so would be to unravel all that was, all that is, and all that could be. There are no scissors, only needle and thread to clean up the view around the knots and tangles and the loom to weave what is left to weave of the tapestry of my life.

Being The me That is Inside

There is a me that is inside that only gets to come out occasionally. That me is not for everyone to see or have as a part of their life. That me is a private me that very few know and know well. Sometimes I am not even sure I know that me as well as I should.
It is a me I want to get to know better and have the opportunity to share that me with more people. There are those that may appreciate that me and enjoy that me. I know that what I have seen of that me I appreciate and enjoy. That me is more daring. That me is more edgy. That me is who I want to be.

Positively Living

Keeping a positive outlook on life is not as easy as it used to be for me. Before it seemed that no matter what I could find a good side to everything and dwell on that instead of the icky stuff that surrounded it. Finding the good side is not as easy anymore. It seems that the mind grabs at this and that and the other and I end up grabbing mostly negative things. I am working hard to keep it positive, to remember that if I do what needs to be done, then and only then may I reap the rewards of all my efforts.

Grateful For the Little Moments

Today was a day that I have found that I am grateful for the little moments. I went to see my grands and they call me to their room to show me how they cleaned it up so well and then ask me to read from the "Humpty Dumpty Book" which is their Mother Goose Nursery Rhymes book. I sat on their bed with them eagerly listening as I worked my way through about thirty of the rhymes. They smiled, they laughed, and a few of the times they said the rhymes along with me. I am grateful for those little moments.