Needle and Thread, No Scissors

The tapestry that is my life, the complete story of who I am, has knots and tangled threads that are ugly and make it hard to focus on the bigger scheme of the story; instead the focus keeps coming back to that ugly mess in my tapestry. The first thirty-nine years of the tapestry has very few knots and tangles. The ones that are there are mostly from my childhood and none are as eye catching as the most recent ones.
It is like they say it only takes one "oh shit" to undo a lifetime of "atta boys". My "oh shit" was more than some are willing to forgive. The thing that I need to remember is that there is only two people in the world that need to consider forgiving my "oh shit" and those two people are me and Jeffrey, no one else's forgiveness really matters. I am not saying that I don't want them to forgive me; I am saying that I am focusing on gaining forgiveness from myself and from Jeffrey. I am not asking to forget, only to forgive, and through that forgiveness work on focusing on the future of the tapestry that is my life and allowing the eyes to see what is possible and imagine a life full of trust and happiness between Jeffrey and me.
I have no way to cut the knots and tangles from my tapestry. To do so would be to unravel all that was, all that is, and all that could be. There are no scissors, only needle and thread to clean up the view around the knots and tangles and the loom to weave what is left to weave of the tapestry of my life.

Being The me That is Inside

There is a me that is inside that only gets to come out occasionally. That me is not for everyone to see or have as a part of their life. That me is a private me that very few know and know well. Sometimes I am not even sure I know that me as well as I should.
It is a me I want to get to know better and have the opportunity to share that me with more people. There are those that may appreciate that me and enjoy that me. I know that what I have seen of that me I appreciate and enjoy. That me is more daring. That me is more edgy. That me is who I want to be.

Positively Living

Keeping a positive outlook on life is not as easy as it used to be for me. Before it seemed that no matter what I could find a good side to everything and dwell on that instead of the icky stuff that surrounded it. Finding the good side is not as easy anymore. It seems that the mind grabs at this and that and the other and I end up grabbing mostly negative things. I am working hard to keep it positive, to remember that if I do what needs to be done, then and only then may I reap the rewards of all my efforts.

Grateful For the Little Moments

Today was a day that I have found that I am grateful for the little moments. I went to see my grands and they call me to their room to show me how they cleaned it up so well and then ask me to read from the "Humpty Dumpty Book" which is their Mother Goose Nursery Rhymes book. I sat on their bed with them eagerly listening as I worked my way through about thirty of the rhymes. They smiled, they laughed, and a few of the times they said the rhymes along with me. I am grateful for those little moments.

Do I Know?

Do I know what I have done?
Yes, I know.
Do I live with it?
For as long as I can.
Do I accept what is?
No, I do not.
Do I know how to change things?
No, not yet.
Do I live with hope?
Yes, I do.

Building a Bridge

Between us we see both sides. Between us we have lived on both sides. Between us is a river. It's current is moving fast and there are many rapids and sharp rocks with their jagged edges sticking up. The flowing water is so cold and full of its own life, unable to be dammed up or diverted. I am working on building a bridge to cross over that river so that we may let the past be water under the bridge, forgiven but not forgotten, and join together hand in hand once again.

A Midsummer Night's Dream: Helena 

How happy some o're other some can be...