Do I Know?

Do I know what I have done?
Yes, I know.
Do I live with it?
For as long as I can.
Do I accept what is?
No, I do not.
Do I know how to change things?
No, not yet.
Do I live with hope?
Yes, I do.

Building a Bridge

Between us we see both sides. Between us we have lived on both sides. Between us is a river. It's current is moving fast and there are many rapids and sharp rocks with their jagged edges sticking up. The flowing water is so cold and full of its own life, unable to be dammed up or diverted. I am working on building a bridge to cross over that river so that we may let the past be water under the bridge, forgiven but not forgotten, and join together hand in hand once again.

A Midsummer Night's Dream: Helena 

How happy some o're other some can be...

Mother's Day Free Write

Today. Mother's Day. Mother's Day? Why just a day? It is an every day thing to be a mother when your children are living at home. It is an every day thing to care for them, keep them on task, and do what you can to ready them for the world that they will some day have to face alone, on their own, when you are no longer their for them to lean on.
Today was Mother's Day. My grands called me in the morning. My eldest soon after. I text my middle one and later in the day he text back. The youngest called and left a message. It was just another day, a day like all other days, and I know that tomorrow will be another day and that my boys love me and will always love me.
I don't want a day of the year to be recognized as a mother. I want every single day to be a day that my sons and grandsons know that I am here and I will be here for as long as this world allows me to be and that they too are loved.
Being a mother has changed over the years. I have had to stand back and watch and see what will happen, how the boys will handle their lives, and know that it was now my job to be available when they asked without interfering above and beyond what was asked of me. This change was not over night and I am still working on being able to stand back. I try. I want to give them the opportunity to live their lives as they see fit and support them in their endeavors as much as possible.
I cry because today is a day that has so much emphasis on Mother. I miss my mother, my mom, my mommy. It is difficult sometimes to know that she is gone and that when I am going through such ordeals as I am now that I do not have her to talk with, to get advice from, or to just have her give me a hug. She is not a phone call away. She is a conversation that I get to carry on with the air around me and gather the energy that it brings and allow my mind to form the words of wisdom that she might be kind enough to proffer to me.

Yes - Changes

Poem by Emily Dickinson

Much Madness is divinest Sense--
To a discerning Eye--
Much Sense--the starkest Madness--
'Tis the Majority
In this, as All, prevail--
Assent--and you are sane--
Demur--you're straightway dangerous--
And handle with a Chain--

Maiden, Mother, Crone; Trust Your Tapestry

Everything happens for a reason and there is a reason for everything. Do what thou will, harm none. Never say you’re sorry; sorry falls between shit and syphilis in the dictionary. Don’t believe everything you here; being gullible is not attractive. Take ten seconds before opening your mouth and speaking; is what you have to say necessary? Will it improve the silence? Some people need a thought to speech filter that is more than ten seconds. Before asking for help doing a task remember the ten percent rule; you have to be ten percent smarter than anything you are trying to do. It isn't what you want in life that is important. Just because you want it, it doesn't mean you need it; want in one hand, spit in the other, and see which hand gets full first. As a Maiden life begins to unfold for you; you change and experience feelings and thoughts that are knew; if you uncross your legs you are inviting trouble. The first time is a mistake, an accident; the second time is on purpose.  When you do uncross your legs know what you are getting into you; wrap it before you tap it. Maybe that should have been said before the first time I had sex and got pregnant. Before you leave a loved one make sure that you have said good-bye on a happy note and without bad feelings; it may be the last time you see them. If the person you are angry or upset with were to die would you want that to be the last thing you say to them? How important is the thing they did that made you angry or upset? Letting go of the negative and holding onto the positive will make the things in life easier to accept and deal with. Easier until all the little things that got swept under the rug create a bump, a bump big enough to trip over.  There are consequences to uncrossing your legs. Can you imagine yourself growing old with that person? Can you deal with all the little things that they do, everyday, all day, and not lose your sanity? Careful of that bump in the rug. Everything happens for a reason and there is a reason for everything. Always dress in a way that you will not visually offend others; your clothes should fit without fitting so tight that they show off the rolls that Mother Nature has provided as life progresses; the only one that wants to see the maps of motherhood that have been stretched into your belly is the one that you are with intimately. Don’t dress like a hooker unless you are a hooker and you want to be known as a hooker. Find your style and wear it with confidence. It is not always easy to be comfortable in your own skin. There are lots of should do, should be, should want, should feel; those things that should are not always the same for every person and you should not do, be, want, or feel just because someone else tells you that you should. Would that be like jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge just because everybody else is? Be the best you that you can be for as long as you can be.  It is not all about you. People have their own stuff going on and it is theirs, not yours, so don’t take it personally because it is not all about you. If you assume things you are asking to be wrong. Ask, don’t assume. Your word is just that, your word. Make sure that your word is worth its weight. When you are saying things just to please others and what you are saying is not honest or felt then you are asking for trouble. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Doing and saying things to make others happy all the time will harm more than help. Know the you that you are and be willing to accept it or work to change it. Everything happens for a reason and there is a reason for everything. Give your all to all you do; if a job is worth doing then it is worth doing well. Once you have uncrossed your legs they will never go back together. Some things just feel too good to not do them. Know what you are willing to do. As Mother you will connect with your child as you have connected with no other. You will feel all that they feel and suffer as you allow them to become an independent individual. Know that you have done your part in providing them with what they need to make it in the world. This would be one of the “do your best” moments in life.  Once you have a child you will understand what it is to have no control. Letting go is not always easy. Doing what is right for yourself is not always right for those you love. Always be prepared to accept the consequences of your actions. No two people are alike, no two people believe the same, and no two people see the world the same way. Finishing someone else’s sentences because you know them so well is something worth experiencing. To love someone forever is subject to change; not everyone’s forever is the same. I will love him for as long as our forever is. Going against your own values will cause you to question all that you have ever believed, require you to reevaluate your values, and cause you to distrust yourself until you accept a new set of values. Growing as a person can cause you to outgrow those you love and care for. A Mother will do for her child above and beyond that which she would do for others. As a Mother, remember to allow your child to grow and learn and experience their own mistakes and the consequences of those mistakes, so that they may be a stronger, more confident person in the end. Watching your child make mistakes can break a Mother’s heart. You are one person with many hats; make sure that all the hats you wear fit you. As a Yaya you will be able to share your gathered knowledge and take on the role of Crone in the way Mother Nature intended you to; with patience and understanding you may offer advice and share your experiences; your story changes, your song expands, and your sense of self becomes more acute as you see the world as Crone. Trust your tapestry. The threads may seem all asunder, mayhem may be the view, however, if you step back and don’t look so close, you will be able to see the bigger picture, the many scenes that have made your life your own, and you will know; everything happens for a reason and there is a reason for everything.