Intended Meaning?

Speaking does not mean the words are heard.
Hearing the words does not mean listening.
Listening to the words does not mean understanding.

Say what you mean and mean what you say?
Even when you say what you mean there is a chance that the person(s) hearing are not listening; if they are they may not be taking your meaning for what is meant, but instead for what they feel it means, and that is "a failure to communicate" (Cool Hand Luke).

Thoughts that are spoke to ones self can fall prey to this same folly of failure in ones own mind.
The things you tell yourself may not be what you mean to tell yourself, but they are felt and interpreted that way; the wrong way.
Those voices in your head, those counterfeit people you have created from those that are a part of your life and keep them locked away in your mind, and that inner critic that is too critical are all ways that you allow for self-doubt and tangling of words with meaning.

Intoning. Intention. Inflection. What did you mean by that? How do you want others to take your words?
The subtle differences in pitch, in volume, in tone, or in body language when you say words makes others take them to mean different things.
How sarcastic did you intend what you said to be? How sincere were your words?

If you have to explain yourself to others does that mean that you are a poor communicator? Does it mean they are a bad listener? Or, does it conclude that each person is an individual with their own personal thoughts, feelings, and concepts on what is and is not and therefore they presume the words fit their way of thinking and what is felt by them; ego, angst, and pride may play a part in the picking and choosing of the meant that they take from your meaning.

How do we make those we care for understand the deeper meaning behind our words? How do we help them to comprehend what we really want them to hear?

Emotion can be put into words. Those words can be put down on the page. The pages can be read. In the reading of those words the meaning can be lost. "There lies the rub" (Hamlet); if the meaning is not lost then it is surely bent in the direction of presumed-intent.

Fostering Feelings

It has been over a year since we took in our first foster child. She was just over four months old when our home became her home. It has been an adventure full of ups and downs, an emotional rollercoaster, and an experience worth having.
Our whole family has taken a liking to her. She is one of the Reeds now. We have shared two Christmas' and two New Year's, a birthday, a family reunion, and so much more.
Her first crawl, first sitting up, first food, first steps, and first words to name a few. We've had long nights full of tossing and turning and crying. We've had smiles and belly laughs. She has tested my patients by getting into things, repeating actions she has been told "not a choice" and removed from, and she has thrown some temper tantrums that involve banging her head and shrill screams and kicking. There are so many moments we have shared.
In June we had our second foster child join us. This little girl is a year and a day older than our first. She is a relative and so there are more complications that come with that. It puts me in a position that is not always easy and difficult for other family members to understand. I don't make the rules, but I do abide by them for her safety and well-being.
There have been so many changes that have taken place and so many changes on the verge of taking place that sometimes the moments are too much and I find myself lost in a sea of thoughts unable to see the shoreline. The year ended with me feeling lost at sea with a storm brewing, cracking of lightning, roaring of thunder, and waves of emotion crashing over me and flooding my vessel. I have not capsized. I will persevere. I have an able crew of friends and family that are on board with me and willing to help in any way they can and for that I am most grateful.

Life Philosophy

Think?

Do you think?

Believe?

Do you believe?

Know?

Do you know?

To think is to

believe and to

believe is to know.

Written Junior Year of High School

Who am I and who am I becoming?

I am me and that me is daughter, sister, mother, wife, lover, friend, creative soul, crone, teacher, companion, listener, advocate, and Yaya (aka Grandmother).

I am becoming more the crone, gaining wisdom and understanding about how life is and ways to live life to the fullest without losing those things that are an intricate part of who I am already.


What are my guiding beliefs and values?


Do what thou will, harm none. I believe that I am a small intricate strand, of the great tapestry of life, that it is continuously being woven and the pattern changes with each decision that we make. I believe in fate with flexibility. I value the ability to communicate and connect with others, the opportunity to help those around me, and the experiences of life that allow us to give voice to who we are. I value family and friends that are as good, if not better, than family. I value the support, security, and trust that goes with being surrounded by those that care and want me to grow as a person. I value the connection that I have with my husband and the honesty and understanding that we have built together over the years. I value who I am.


What motivates and inspires me?


When I see an opportunity to help others I am motivated to find ways to do so. When I am encouraged by those that are a part of my life to accept new experiences and take on challenges I am motivated to do so. When I think of what my future holds for me if I continue on the path that I have chosen I am motivated to lengthen my stride and keep moving forward.


What do I need to do to take responsibility for my life?


I need to make sure that I have the proper foot holds and hand holds for climbing my cliff, that there are ledges for me to rest on and take sight of my progress, and that I become an active participant in my own life. One goal at a time, in a time that is reasonable, and keep sight of the bigger picture.


What is my life purpose-what am I here to contribute?


My purpose is to weave my way through life in a way that I connect with others and they connect with me, creating a network that is strong and supportive, and provides warmth and understanding through living.


What kind of world do I want to live in?


I want to live in a world that is open to all walks of life, without judgement, contempt, greed, or underhanded behavior. I want to live in a world that lives by the belief, "Do what thou will, harm none."


What will I do to leave the world a better place?


I will make a conscious effort to be impeccable with my word, not assume, remember it is not all about me, and to do my best. These are the four agreements as written by Don Miguel Ruiz in his Toltec Wisdom book, The Four Agreements. I will remember to be respectful of Mother Earth and help to keep her safe and healthy. I will teach my children, grandchildren, and those that I come in contact with the importance of living life in this way. Through these conscious efforts I will leave the world a better place.


Things to remember...
Everything happens for a reason and there is a reason for everything.


Bubble Blowing 101
Bubbles cause you to control your breathing, focus, and release. With every bubble blow out those thoughts and feelings that need to go, let them fly away in the breeze, pop and disappear.


Your best differs from dad to day. It's important to do the best you can for that day, at that time.


Fate is flexible.

History Lesson of My Life

Born to a mother that had already given birth to seven other children and had not intended on adding an eighth. My early childhood was spent living by the river, living in a rural area of Ohio (is there any area of Ohio that is not rural?), and being the product of a "broken home".

How many eight year olds get to experience driving across country in a station wagon with two older sisters, a cousin's girlfriend, the family dog, a mother, and all that your family owned? I know of one such eight year old. My mother drove us from Ohio to Oklahoma, through the Painted Desert and Petrified Forest, through the Red Woods, into Reno, and on to Oregon; our final destination.

A single mom with three daughters in a small town in Oregon that had a surprising amount of Ohio transplants. And these were not just any Ohio transplants; these were people my mother had known that were either family, friends of family, or people that were family of friends.

At fourteen I experienced sex for the first time. I experienced being with child. At fourteen I gave birth to the first of three sons. There is more to this story and a story I will share, however, here it is only a history lesson and that lesson is an outline of my history.

Graduation from high school with a diploma and a three year old son was an accomplishment or so I have been told. With the help and support of my mother and other relatives I was able to stay in school, get decent grades, and be social enough to not feel that I was an outcast for having had my son. He was a part of my class, he was a part of my extra curricular activities, and he was adored by all who had the opportunity to be around him.

A week after turning eighteen I became involved with the man I would spend the next twenty plus years with, have two sons with, and be dependent on in ways that were not always healthy.

So much bouncing around from one small community to another, raising the boys into young men, becoming a Yaya (aka grandmother), and finding my way to college for the first time made for a life that seemed to be anything but my own.

This history lesson of me is an outline on a time line of my life. There are so many threads that are woven together, twisted and inner twined, that create the tapestry that has been my life. As this blog grows and progresses there will be elaborations on events of the past, situations of the present, and the dreams for the future.

The Questioning Begins

Our daughter asked me today if she grew in my belly. She has been ours since she was four months old and it became official when she was two and a half years old. She is five and a half years old now.

She has asked about how she came to be ours before, but she would always say something about being in my belly and didn't ask whose belly she was in. This time when I told her she grew in my heart and that I have loved her from the first time I held her in my arms she asked "whose belly did I grow in?" And "didn't they want a baby?" 

We knew a day would come when she would have questions. We were not expecting it to be so soon. 

The Absence of Life

Darkness wraps a blanket around the mourning. There is a flood overflowing the barriers as the storm of emotions builds. The squalls rise. Howling and screaming fill the days and nighs; no difference between the two exists. The eye of the storm offers small reprieve from the chaos that gathers strength with each passing thought swirling through the minds eye.
Truth is the storm never subsides completely. The eye grows, giving a semblance of peace. Yet, the chaos lingers at a distance, only wreaking havoc during special occasions and intense memories and other random moments throughout life.

At the Year...Waiting for the Day

More ups than down
    Climbing one foot hold
                   one hand hold
                            at a time
There has been no bag of tricks
                instead
                           a box of tools
This time there was forethought
       This time there were plans for survival
                                       plans for achieving
                                       an overwhelming desire
                                            to continue on this journey
Together setting anchors
                attaching lines
                    creating support
      keeping a vigilant eye out for problem spots
                   maneuvering around and up and over dangers
This is our journey
   we are together
        hand in hand
           heart for heart
                 making our way
         to our year and a day

I Think...I Believe...I Know

I think:
words hold meaning
words give hope
words make a difference
words cause a forced perspective
words provide clarity

I believe:
every person you care for should hear you tell them how you feel (don't assume they realize the depths of        
                                                                  your feelings for them or how their existence impacts your life)
every emotion you bury inside only helps to dig you a deeper emotional grave

every moment should be used to show and to tell those around you how you really feel

every day is a day to live life the way you want to live it

every time you let a moment pass by without truly living your own life is a time that can not be lived

I know:
the past cannot be changed
the present lays the foundation for the future
the future is what you make it by being present in the present

hold...give...make...cause...provide
person...emotion...moment...day...time
past...present...future

Conclusion:
Living life in the present, acknowledging the now and all the emotions and events being experienced, allows hope for a future and allows happiness in the moment.
The personal meanings behind words can change over time, understanding the change and accepting the change, allows for the use of those words in the present.
I am grateful for all the blessings in my life and the chance to continue to change and live and learn to be the me that is full of possibility and potential and loved by those that share my life.

Long way home

Long way home
   Traveling on hands and knees
        Every day is please...please...please
                                        And thank you
I want to be with you
   Told not to dwell on the past
                         But every turn
                               Brings back a sin...a wrong
                               All the things I've done
Reminding me of the pain
      And hurt I've wrung
                     From you--I've put you through

      What am I to do
    When all I want to
                  Say is...I love you

I'm on my feet
        Ready to meet
             Each moment of each day
        I'm on my way
        My way home
              I apologize with every breath
              I know the past can't be undone
                         Things said can't be taken back
                                              Can't be unheard

What am I to do
   When all I want to do
         Is stay with you

The maze of madness
       The labyrinth full of
              Closed doors and dead ends
                   Navigating my way home
I've traveled on hands and knees
                            I'm on my feet
            Step by step
I move closer to you
                         closer to home

What am I to do
   When all I want from you
               Is to hear you say
                                     I love you

Actions speak louder than words
                             this I've heard
             But they don't take the place
                 Of how my heart will race
              When you speak to me
                When you use the key
                              And say those three
                                      Words...words...words

Song from the Heart

On this day
   Let me say
I am here in the present
                in the present
Being with you
          through and through
     When I feel this way
      It is here    I     want to stay

Those words
    Those phrases
        The day-to-day
     They sound cliche
These words
    These phrases
        I'm here to say

I love you     I love you
     I love you this day
     I love you and I'm   here   to   stay
                                    here   to   stay

The past is the past
   No changing what was
Living in the now
              the now
     because     because
Being with you
          fills me up
                makes me smile
                     wanna go that extra mile
Done living in the past
   I'm living in the now
         I'm learning how
               I'm letting go
         Of those memories whoo...oo...oo
                       I'm living in the now
          this is how

I love you     I love you
     I love you this day
     I love you and I'm here    to   stay
                                  here   to   stay
                  to   stay          to stay

I love you     I love you
     I love you this day
                     this day     this      day

Choose to View

2013

Beginnings and endings

                           Wondering and wandering

Each day is not "Groundhogs Day"

     Each day is a new day

          Each day is not a "do-over"

     Each day is a day to "keep moving forward"

Each day, every day, any day is a day to explore life

     delve into the unknown

           make it a day different than the rest

Believe that you are in charge of your life 

                                                      that you create your own reality

                                      how you choose to view the world

                           limits how you choose to view who you are

Said in Silence

There have been things done

            Things said

            Things in general

                        If there is any meaning to ‘general’

                        Then life’s day-to-day

                                    It fits the definition of ‘general’

            This day          that day           every day         any day           some day

Some days I feel more lost than others

            It is a path that I chose to take

                        Got part way down it and turned around

                                    Rushed back

                                    Trying to follow the bread crumbs

                                                The birds

                                                It must have been the birds

                                                            The loons

                                                They stole the crumbs

                                                Every last one of them

                                    Looking for clues

                                    Searching for the way home

                        The clouds threaten to wash away any trace

                                    Any hint          any bit or piece

                                    All those things that assist me

                        The breeze bleats for my haste

                                    Hurry               hurry               away                gone away

                        Mother Nature this thing I beg of thee

                                    Help me           help me           help me please

                                    Show me the way

                                                Steps to take

                                                            My way home

                                    Help me           help me           help me please

                                    Listen to my cries

                                                Hear my sighs

                                                            Know my regret for wrongs done

                                    Help me           help me           help me please

                                    The crumbs were stolen away

                                                Blown away

                                                            Gone without a trace

                                    Help me           help me           help me please

                                    Those words spoken

                                                Daggers of silence

                                                            Drain tears from my eyes

                        Mother Nature

                                    This I ask of you…what to do?

                                    Guide me where I need to go

                                    Lead me to where I need to be

By thee, Air

that is her breath

By thee, Fire

                                                                        that is her warmth

By thee, Water

                                                                        that is her life

By thee, Earth

                                                                        that is her body

                                               

Falling... A Way

So goes the trickling
   along the walls
   around the edges
   over the rocks
           the twigs
           the tree trunks
bursting from the Earth
     dirt dangling
      scent of forest floor
               fills the senses
      digging its way back
to a time     in this place     years before
     stopping along the roadside
          walking down
          the loose gravely incline
               that led to the water's edge
               where it flowed through the culvert
                            under the road
                and       into the river
Picking my way across the rocks
as the water worked to cause me to lose my balance
trying to get me to tumble in
     and      force me to be drenched in shame
I find my way to the other side and begin my ascent to the water fall at the top
I grab at limbs
     push each footstep firmly down
     pulling and climbing the precarious pathway
knowing that there is a tranquil pool at the top
knowing that the gentle trickling that I hear is there not here
     not at the bottom
     not in this gloom covered by a canopy of conifers
and      a landscape of up rooted and totted remains
     Slip...slide...grab...good save
The mist from the rush of the water sprinkles the ground
Being sure footed is not a sure thing
     The mind is not able to lose itself and wander over the dreadful beauty of the wonder of nature
     On task, focus, every step...
     assist as the ascent ends
     and      a cold pool of pain pleasures
                with possibilities that my life still harbors.

Set in stone.
A rock unknown.
A glimmer of hope. A gleam of fear.
There was a time we were so near.

Defuse?

The inside maze has walls created with slide shows of the  past and as I move forward, or what seems to be forward, I am bombarded with visions and audio replays from days gone by. The problem with these playbacks is that they cause my heart to pound so hard that the sense of inevitable doom spits and hisses its way through me like the long fuse slithering its lit flame closer and closer to the sticks of dynamite that are neatly and tightly wrapped together for greater impact and there is nothing to be done to stop this "self fulfilling prophecy of destruction".

May the Day 14 are We to Be "A Year and a Day"

There it was that moment. That time that I had held in my minds eye as being something somewhere special with another round about my finger.
It was different. Not so different. More personal. It meant the world and all it was was more real than a moment is expected to be.
The tears they fell. Unstoppable soft sobs of over flowing gratitude and joy and love and hope for what may become of us. The arms they held so tight, not wanting to let go.
There was that underlying fear that it was a dream and not going to be real in the morning.
Then the understanding blanketed over me and covered me with the warmth of the forever that we still have and how that forever is our own once again.

Accentuation

Out of words
Outwards
What words would hold the wards to the out?
The way in is round about
Go through the fence
Theatrically fencing
Fending past the past
Turning the corner
Trudging up hill
Climbing rock walls
Each hand hold a hand to hold
Each foot hold a firm foundation
Each step an accentuation
Find the way up
Out of the quagmire of what once was
Inward and upward
Outwards
Out of words

The mind; it plays tricks on the heart. 
The heart; it teases the soul.
The soul; it clings to the familiar.
The familiar; it is ever changing.


As if there were a thing to do that would make the world right, I sit and think and plan and play memories, like movies, in my mind. Each reel has many frames and each frame is left to individual interpretation. The problem that arises from individual interpretation is that no two individuals interpret a frame the same way. Personal feelings, thoughts, and preformed notions smudge the frames; when the reel is replayed the scenes are different, the words are different, and the concepts and ideas that are held are different. 
One can try to explain their perception of the movie, how it affects them, and why they interpret it a certain way; in the end, there is only the heart that holds the key to where the mind takes the soul and what changes occur from one frame to the next. The ever changing scenes are pieced together frame by frame by the heart and the desires of the heart and as a result the mind is forced to interpret the frames a specific way and that in turn tangles the soul with threads from here and there and everywhere as the familiar fades to fantasy and reality is woven into what dreams of truth each individual holds.
What happens when you wake from your dream? 

How Can I Change What Has Been?

Time has come and gone and those things that have happened can not be undone, can not be changed, can not be taken back. No matter how much regret a person has about things said and things done that regret does not change the past.
I am unable to make the pain and hurt go away if you want to hold onto it and dwell on it and keep it close to you. I am unable to make you let go of the past and grasp at the future if the past is what you want to live in.
I can only do so much. I can only try so hard. I can only be the better me that I am trying to be and hope that it is enough for you to love.

Wonder Why?

You wonder why?
Why do I get worked up over it?
Why do I let it get to me?
Why does it matter if I trust you?

You wonder why?
Why do I continually bring up the same thing over and over?
Why do I take it personal?
Why does it cause jealousy?

You wonder why?
Why am I still here?
Why don't I go if it bothers me so much?
Why try if I don't seem to trust?

You wonder why?
I'll tell you why.
I get worked up over it being kept as a 'secret'.
I let it get to me because I want you to be mine again.
It matters because I am still working on trust with you.
I continually bring the same thing up over and over because it continually happens over and over.
I take it personally because I feel you are intentionally sabotaging us.
It causes jealousy because  I love you and feel that you are choosing this 'friendship' over our relationship.
I am still here because I know that I have hurt you in the past and that I came to realize what I was doing to you and that maybe you will come to realize what you are doing to me someday too.
I don't go even though it bothers me because that would mean that I am giving up on us and I am not willing to give up on us.
I keep trying because I want to trust completely again and to know that we are one again.

You wonder why?
I will tell you why.
You are a part of me and will always be a part of me.
You make me feel amazing in ways that no other will ever be able to do.
You are worth the wait.