Time has come and gone and those things that have happened can not be undone, can not be changed, can not be taken back. No matter how much regret a person has about things said and things done that regret does not change the past.
I am unable to make the pain and hurt go away if you want to hold onto it and dwell on it and keep it close to you. I am unable to make you let go of the past and grasp at the future if the past is what you want to live in.
I can only do so much. I can only try so hard. I can only be the better me that I am trying to be and hope that it is enough for you to love.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Wonder Why?
You wonder why?
Why do I get worked up over it?
Why do I let it get to me?
Why does it matter if I trust you?
You wonder why?
Why do I continually bring up the same thing over and over?
Why do I take it personal?
Why does it cause jealousy?
You wonder why?
Why am I still here?
Why don't I go if it bothers me so much?
Why try if I don't seem to trust?
You wonder why?
I'll tell you why.
I get worked up over it being kept as a 'secret'.
I let it get to me because I want you to be mine again.
It matters because I am still working on trust with you.
I continually bring the same thing up over and over because it continually happens over and over.
I take it personally because I feel you are intentionally sabotaging us.
It causes jealousy because I love you and feel that you are choosing this 'friendship' over our relationship.
I am still here because I know that I have hurt you in the past and that I came to realize what I was doing to you and that maybe you will come to realize what you are doing to me someday too.
I don't go even though it bothers me because that would mean that I am giving up on us and I am not willing to give up on us.
I keep trying because I want to trust completely again and to know that we are one again.
You wonder why?
I will tell you why.
You are a part of me and will always be a part of me.
You make me feel amazing in ways that no other will ever be able to do.
You are worth the wait.
Why do I get worked up over it?
Why do I let it get to me?
Why does it matter if I trust you?
You wonder why?
Why do I continually bring up the same thing over and over?
Why do I take it personal?
Why does it cause jealousy?
You wonder why?
Why am I still here?
Why don't I go if it bothers me so much?
Why try if I don't seem to trust?
You wonder why?
I'll tell you why.
I get worked up over it being kept as a 'secret'.
I let it get to me because I want you to be mine again.
It matters because I am still working on trust with you.
I continually bring the same thing up over and over because it continually happens over and over.
I take it personally because I feel you are intentionally sabotaging us.
It causes jealousy because I love you and feel that you are choosing this 'friendship' over our relationship.
I am still here because I know that I have hurt you in the past and that I came to realize what I was doing to you and that maybe you will come to realize what you are doing to me someday too.
I don't go even though it bothers me because that would mean that I am giving up on us and I am not willing to give up on us.
I keep trying because I want to trust completely again and to know that we are one again.
You wonder why?
I will tell you why.
You are a part of me and will always be a part of me.
You make me feel amazing in ways that no other will ever be able to do.
You are worth the wait.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Shell Game
Time: late evening
Scene: The stage is divided into two rooms. The smaller of the two rooms has a window covered by thick black curtains, a floor lamp, a woman tied to a chair with duct tape over her mouth, shot gun shells on the floor, and a door that leads to a larger room. In the larger room there are boxes stacked in the corner, a large piece of black plastic laid out on the floor, a shot gun resting against the wall next to the smaller room, and a door over by where the boxes are.
ACT I
SCENE 1
(At Rise we see the scene opens with Christine on her hands and knees picking up shot gun shells and putting back into the box. The floor lamp is bright and aimed at ‘the other woman’ who is tied to the chair with duct tape across her mouth.)
‘THE OTHER WOMAN’
(She tries to speak through the tape)
Please. Let me go. Let me go.
(Frustrated she tries to scream for help)
CHRISTINE
I gave him back the shot gun once. I thought that it would make him realize how much I wanted to make him happy, but no…
(Looking up at the woman)
He didn’t get it, did he?
(Making sounds of frustration)
He insisted on setting the rules…telling me what I could and couldn’t do…oh he had me muzzled and bound when it came to you.
(Christine lets out a little laugh and picks up the last of the shells)
‘WOMAN’
(Rocks and squirms and makes lots of noise and keeps trying to scream and beg to be let go…continues even while Christine speaks)
CHRISTINE
I loved him. I love him. I know I was bad before. I know I did things that were mean and cruel and that I hurt him. I told him I was wrong…wrong…wrong…I said it…I told him…he knows…I know he knows how I feel…that I’m sorry…he is my husband…not yours…not yours…never yours…you should have backed off…left him alone…you should have disappeared like before...
(Glares at her in such a way she stops all her noise and her eyes get wide with fear)
I wanted to disappear…I wanted to be made dead…when he told me he couldn’t do it anymore…he threw me over the edge…he is mine…not yours.
(her cell phone rings in her pocket…ring tone is ‘Wild Thing’…she lets it keep ringing through ‘Wild Thing, You make my heart sing…Wild Thing, You make everything groovy’…she steps into the larger room and answers her phone…While Christine is out of the room the woman is searching for a way to get free)
Hello…you take a right on Davis Way…yes…a right, that’s what I said…a right on Davis Way, drive for a quarter mile and turn left at the stop sign…at the stop sign…then follow the road around and you’ll see a big building on the left…yes, on the left…no a right on Davis Way, left at the stop sign and the building is on the left…I need you to get here…yes it’s important
(Her eyes keep looking over to where the boxes are stacked in the corner)
no…no…just get here…it’s a surprise…a time sensitive surprise…okay…yes…I know…I heard you…just get here…where are you now?...okay…I’ll see you in a couple minutes…thanks…I lo…
(Holds the phone away and sees that he has already hung up…puts it back in her pocket…goes back into the other room)
‘WOMAN’
(Watches Christine and is quiet…her mind is working to figure out what she is going to do to get loose)
CHRISTINE
(Holds the box of shells, her fingers running over them as she walks around the woman, there are a few shells missing… Christine speaks in a calm peaceful voice)
If he only realized how much I love him, how much I need him…he wouldn’t keep putting me through all of this…he would respect me…he would want to make me happy…he would know that he is my world…that without him I am nothing…nothing…I don’t exist…you wouldn’t understand what we have…you couldn’t understand…you have lied to him too…you let him believe things that couldn’t be true…that you know weren’t true…but it gave you a leg up on me didn’t it…well, not anymore…you are going to disappear…not me…you…(Looking out the window without moving the curtain too much…smiling)
I know what I need to do…I know what he needs to do…and I know what is going to happen to you…he’s going to…
(Cell phone rings…lets it go through the tune again before answering)
Hello…oh…right…be right there…forgot I locked it…
(walks out of the room, turns back around and holds up her finger to suggest to the woman to stay quiet, then closes the door behind her)…(unlocks the door and lets her husband in)
Glad you could make it Jack…was a little worried you’d get lost.
JACK
(He looks around the room and takes it all in trying to figure out what the surprise could be)
You made it seem important Christine…what is so god damn important that I had to drive out in the middle of bum-fuck-Egypt at this hour?
CHRISTINE
(Fiddling with the box of shells in her hand)
I told you…it’s a surprise…
(Noises are heard from the other room)
JACK
What have you done Christine?
CHRISTINE
(Walks over and picks up the shot gun and loads it)
I have been doing what I needed to do…I have been setting things up so we can be happy again…I love you and I did all this for you…to show you how much you mean to me…to show you how much…
JACK
Christ sake Christine...you lost your mind? What the hell is going on?
CHRISTINE
There’s only one thing left to do…just one more thing…then we will be able to get our happy back.
(Christine opens the door and Jack sees the other woman…he pulls Christine back out of the room and shuts the door on the woman…her protests are louder…she saw the shot gun)
JACK
Really Christine?...Really? Really?...What were you thinking?
(Hands in the air)
You weren’t were you? There is no way you are going to get away with this. No way…not a chance in hell…someone is going to find out…you’ll go to jail…
(Grabbing her by the shoulders and shaking her)
Is that what you want? You want to go to jail?
CHRISTINE
(pulls away, still holding the shot gun, and walks over to the corner by the boxes and stairs at the corner)…(in the other room the woman is working on moving her chair closer to the window…during the time Jack and Christine are out of the room she is going to move the chair to the window…bang her head trying to break the window…move the chair back to the floor lamp…use the light bulb to burn through her ropes…and make her way back to the window)
I did this for you! For you, Jack! I love you…I love us together… and that woman…she makes it impossible for us to move forward…she distracts you…she needs to go Jack...she needs to disappear…
JACK
Disappear?...You’re crazy…You’re out of your fucking mind Christine…she isn’t disappearing…she isn’t going anywhere…you need to stop this…right Now!...right the fuck now…
CHRISTINE
I can’t…I won’t…and you know it…you know we need this…it’s perfect…no one will ever know…no one will…
JACK
Someone will find out…you can’t get rid of someone and not have someone notice for Christ sake…she has family…she has friends…I would know and I …
CHRISTINE
You would what Jack? What?
(pause)
You would tell on me?...You would send me to jail?
(pause)
Really?...Really? Really?...You think they will believe…
JACK
They?...The cops?...Oh they will believe…the evidence will tell them all they need to know…you will be convicted…and you will go to jail Christine…JAIL…do you understand what I am saying…JAIL!..
CHRISTINE
I am not stupid Jack…I understand… I just…
JACK
Just what?...Just…
CHRISTINE
Just think you underestimate me…you always have…for some reason you don’t seem to think that I am capable of this sort of thing…of being able to “get away with it”…you’re mistaken Jack…mistaken…
JACK
The only thing I am mistaken about is listening to you and coming here…you’re mistaken if you think I am going to help you…
(He heads for the door…Christine grabs his arm and stops him)
CHRISTINE
Wait…I have something I want to show you…stay right there…don’t move…just wait…okay…
(Jack nods in concession)
(Christine goes to the corner behind the boxes, sets the shot gun against the wall, and grabs hold of something and begins to drag it out into the middle of the room…next to the other black plastic…she tugs and pulls, struggling and Jack stands there watching)
I…I…did this for you…I knew you would appreciate it…
(Drops the end with a thud and smiles and uses her hands like Vanna White to display what she has brought to him)
JACK
(walks around it…gives it a nudge with his foot…kneels down…looking up at her…then tearing the tape loose at one end and pulling back the plastic he sees shoes)
Christine?...Christine, what have you done?...Who is…
CHRISTINE
I told you I did what needed to be done…you know who it is…it’s my gift to you…you will never have to worry again…there is nothing to worry about…see…
(She kneels down and tears the tape from the other end and pulls back the plastic to expose a man’s face)
Jack…Jack…you like my gift, don’t you?...
JACK
(trying to gain his composure…in shock…)
You realize what you have done here?...You killed him…he’s dead, Christine…dead…Dead!...
CHRISTINE
(Shaking her head and smiling)
Of course he’s dead…he was shot with that shot gun Jack…
(She gets up and walks back over to the shot gun and picks it up and walks back over to Jack)
Your shot gun killed him…
(Jack stands and stumbles. Christine helps him steady himself)
No one saw…no one knows…just you and me Jack…
(She looks over at the door to the other room)
And her…she knows…she has to go Jack…you know I’m right…it’s the only way…it’s…
JACK
It’s what needs to be done?
CHRISTINE
That’s right…you understand…I knew you’d understand Jack
(Goes to Jack and gives him a hug and a kiss that is not returned)
JACK
What now?
CHRISTINE
(Smiles and nods knowingly…then aims the shot gun at Jack)
You know…I have a plan…you don’t have to worry…I have it all worked out…
JACK
(He looks down at the body on the floor for a moment, then up at Christine, then at the door to the other room…his face softens…he walks over to her and kisses her forehead tenderly)
I love you Christine…I have always loved you…
(He puts his hands on the shot gun and tries to pull it from her grip…she tugs it away from his grip)
CHRISTINE
When the time is right, Jack…when the time is right…
(He nods and they both smile…there is a scream from the other room…then another scream)
‘WOMAN’
(Sobbing on her knees in front of the window that isn’t really a window…it’s been bricked over)
No…no…no…please…no…help me…please…
JACK
(Christine stands by the door very sure of herself and what she has planned and Jack can see her confidence…he walks over to the woman and helps her stand…she leans on Jack for support…they walk past Christine and out of the room…Jack stops in the middle of the black plastic on the floor and has the woman sit down)
Stay here…I’ll be right back…I have to take care of something…
(She clings to him and he peels her off of him)
It will all be over soon…
(smiling as she looks at the brick window, the fallen lamp, and the ropes on the floor…Jack holds out his hand to her and she takes it…they walk back to the other room and stop at the edge of the black plastic…Jack holds out his hand for the shot gun and Christine hands it to him…he checks to see if it is loaded, lifts the gun to his shoulder and prepares to fire…aiming it at the other woman)
‘WOMAN’
(looks up at Jack in shock…he pulls the trigger and the gun goes off, the building goes black…we hear canisters hitting the floor and we see a bright flash and hear a loud bang…in the flash we see the woman dead…Christine on her knees next to Jack holding her ears and her eyes closed tight…Jack standing with the shot gun confused)
SWAT TEAM 1, 2, and 3
(Enter the building with guns ready and tackle Jack to the ground and “protect” Christine from Jack…)
SWAT TEAM 1
You are under arrest. You have the right to remain silent, whatever you say can and will be held against you, you have the right to an attorney, if you cannot afford one, one will be appointed for you. Do you understand your rights?...Sir?...Do you understand your rights?...
JACK
(Hands cuffed being pushed towards the door he tries to turn back to Christine…she is leaning on an officer crying…)
Christine…tell them…tell them Christine…for Christ sake tell them the truth…
(The officers drag Jack from the room and out of sight)
CHRISTINE
(Takes one last look at the scene and smiles…the officer wraps his arm around her shoulder and assists her towards the door…away from the crime scene)
Why?...why would he do this?...I thought he loved me…I loved him…
(Lights down)
Thursday, November 24, 2011
I Will Write
I will write and I will write and I will write more.
I will write how I feel.
I will write what I want.
I will write what I need.
I will write and I will write and I will write more.
I will write until what I have written is clear and precise and there is no doubt what is meant by my words,
no way to take it differently,
to twist it into something it is not;
the message will be straight forward with no 'beating around the bush' involved.
I will write how I feel.
I will write what I want.
I will write what I need.
I will write and I will write and I will write more.
I will write until what I have written is clear and precise and there is no doubt what is meant by my words,
no way to take it differently,
to twist it into something it is not;
the message will be straight forward with no 'beating around the bush' involved.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Perspective and Wording of My Story
Keep my mouth shut
Keep my thoughts to myself
Keey my opinon to myself
Know my place
Accept my lack of influence on his choices
Know that I am in no way allowed to stress over the unknown
Know that what I say doesn't affect what choices are made
Keep my words to a minumum
My life is not a story that needs to have drama
Keep my thoughts to myself
Keey my opinon to myself
Know my place
Accept my lack of influence on his choices
Know that I am in no way allowed to stress over the unknown
Know that what I say doesn't affect what choices are made
Keep my words to a minumum
My life is not a story that needs to have drama
(sounds negative and harsh)
Change Perspective and Wording...
Silence can be enlightening
Meditating on myself can be enlightening
Focus internally instead of externally
Be aware of my surroundings
My choices are my own to make as are his
Allow life to unfold and show itself before responding or reacting
My choices are just that, mine, and no one else's
Be articulate without excess
Create "My New Story" of my life and how I wish to live and love
(View Askew? Or set to a better view?)
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Gravel in Open Wounds
Ever feel that someone is doing or saying something just to rub gravel in open wounds? Ever feel that they enjoy using tweezers to dig it back out for you, as if they were being helpful and caring? Ever feel that you take things too personal even when you know that life is not "all about you" and that "it's not personal"?
When I hear key phrases they are taken more personal than they are intended and it feels like I am skidding across a road after a crash and gravel is being ground into the cuts and scrapes that have occurred. When I say something about how I feel about things that are said I sometimes feel that tweezers are being used to dig out the gravel and sometimes the digging goes deeper and more frequent than it needs to. What I do realize is that these things that are being said are not meant to cause me more pain or to make me feel the way I do; these things that are being said are to keep the other person from feeling more pain and to protect them from things others might say or think, so when I feel that the gravel is in the open wound I need to stop and step back and remember the facts and do my best to not take it so personal.
When I hear key phrases they are taken more personal than they are intended and it feels like I am skidding across a road after a crash and gravel is being ground into the cuts and scrapes that have occurred. When I say something about how I feel about things that are said I sometimes feel that tweezers are being used to dig out the gravel and sometimes the digging goes deeper and more frequent than it needs to. What I do realize is that these things that are being said are not meant to cause me more pain or to make me feel the way I do; these things that are being said are to keep the other person from feeling more pain and to protect them from things others might say or think, so when I feel that the gravel is in the open wound I need to stop and step back and remember the facts and do my best to not take it so personal.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Rocks, Water, and Pavement
When a person does something that causes major trust issues in a long term relationship there are rippling affects that are caused by the throwing of that rock into the calm waters that was their relationship. Just like any other rock thrown in any other water the closest ripples are big and recognizable, the further from the source the ripples get the harder they are to see and recognize as ripples from that specific rock. When several rocks of various sizes are throw close together the affects overlap and things really get difficult to recognize as an affect, but an affect they are, and that means that those ripples are a consequence of those throws and they need to be dealt with as such.
The ripples that I am dealing with are the ripples of many rocks. This past year I threw a lot of rocks; some rocks were thrown really close together and others were thrown here and there. The ripples flowed out from their source and they started to overlap and they created smaller ripples that took off in different directions and some made long reaching and long lasting ripples that have caused a constant state of questioning and a constant state of worry.
Not all of the rocks that were thrown were my rocks. Some belonged to others that are near and dear to me and others belonged to people that have felt that they were helping and others belonged to ones that thought they were doing what was right for them. Those other rocks made ripples that crashed into ripples that I had made and the affect created from those ripples cause frustration and a sense of lose. Those that threw the rocks have felt their own ripples and own affects but they have not understood how their actions have affected me on a deeper level, a more emotional level, a level that has caused a sense of living in a bubble of secrecy to protect the possibilities of mending my wrongs and creating a future within the relationship that was most affected by my actions. These rock throwers, these ripple makers, these good-intention people (the road to hell is paved with good intention) have made so many ripples and so many different affects that there are moments that I feel that it is going to take a lifetime to recover from the combined damage caused by them and by me.
The fact that there are fears that others will continue to throw rocks when they feel the need and that their rocks will continue to cause ripples that will continue to affect how my relationship develops, how my relationship mends, and whether I am going to be able to have a relationship at all as time ticks on causes me to want to tell each and every one of them personally to butt out, back off, and put your rocks down and let us do what we are going to do and deal with us the way we need to deal with us because we have so many years invested and we have a connection, many connections, that are never going to be able to be understood by others, and we need the opportunity to sort through our own thoughts and feelings and make our own conclusions and learn to trust our instincts and emotions again. With outside interference the ripples will never die down, we will never stop feeling their affects, and life will become too full of outside interference that we will not be able to tell whether the thoughts in our head are our own or if they were seeds planted by those that are working on paving a road to hell for us.
The ripples that I am dealing with are the ripples of many rocks. This past year I threw a lot of rocks; some rocks were thrown really close together and others were thrown here and there. The ripples flowed out from their source and they started to overlap and they created smaller ripples that took off in different directions and some made long reaching and long lasting ripples that have caused a constant state of questioning and a constant state of worry.
Not all of the rocks that were thrown were my rocks. Some belonged to others that are near and dear to me and others belonged to people that have felt that they were helping and others belonged to ones that thought they were doing what was right for them. Those other rocks made ripples that crashed into ripples that I had made and the affect created from those ripples cause frustration and a sense of lose. Those that threw the rocks have felt their own ripples and own affects but they have not understood how their actions have affected me on a deeper level, a more emotional level, a level that has caused a sense of living in a bubble of secrecy to protect the possibilities of mending my wrongs and creating a future within the relationship that was most affected by my actions. These rock throwers, these ripple makers, these good-intention people (the road to hell is paved with good intention) have made so many ripples and so many different affects that there are moments that I feel that it is going to take a lifetime to recover from the combined damage caused by them and by me.
The fact that there are fears that others will continue to throw rocks when they feel the need and that their rocks will continue to cause ripples that will continue to affect how my relationship develops, how my relationship mends, and whether I am going to be able to have a relationship at all as time ticks on causes me to want to tell each and every one of them personally to butt out, back off, and put your rocks down and let us do what we are going to do and deal with us the way we need to deal with us because we have so many years invested and we have a connection, many connections, that are never going to be able to be understood by others, and we need the opportunity to sort through our own thoughts and feelings and make our own conclusions and learn to trust our instincts and emotions again. With outside interference the ripples will never die down, we will never stop feeling their affects, and life will become too full of outside interference that we will not be able to tell whether the thoughts in our head are our own or if they were seeds planted by those that are working on paving a road to hell for us.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Screw the Roses
There are those that are all about the soft and sweet, the tender and touchy, and the sensual and sultry, then there are those that want to feel things in ways that make their world rock and roll and send them reeling with pleasure. Those are the one's that stand up and shout, "Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns"!
I know which one I am. Do you?
I know which one I am. Do you?
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Deleted Scenes
Those who have been to the blog before may have noticed that many posts have disappeared, have been deleted, and exist no more. There is a reason for that and that reason is, they served their purpose, and now I am done with that purpose. What was is no more. What is is what it is. What will be? Well, that is something we will have to wait and see.
My tapestry has gone through a great deal and needed mending along the way. This blog helped with some of that mending and this blog caused some mending to need done. The needle and tread are put back in the sewing kit and the loom is working in a timely manner to show what the future has in store for me, one moment at a time.
What I post on this blog from now on will deal more with me and less with others in my life. What I post will still be personal and have to do with my life and how things are going, how I am feeling, and all those other things that make it well worth the read; however, it may take some awareness of the words to find the meaning and it may mean reading and rereading to truly understand what was read, because my blog will be full of metaphors, philosophy, and what ever suits my fancy at the time that does not cause undo stress to those that I love and care for. It is acceptable for me to put my life out there for the world to see but it is not acceptable for me to put others lives out there without their permission, so that will no longer occur. There is no need to put them under the magnifying glass at high noon just to see if they can feel the heat and recognize the source. Lessons have been learned all the way around.
My tapestry has gone through a great deal and needed mending along the way. This blog helped with some of that mending and this blog caused some mending to need done. The needle and tread are put back in the sewing kit and the loom is working in a timely manner to show what the future has in store for me, one moment at a time.
What I post on this blog from now on will deal more with me and less with others in my life. What I post will still be personal and have to do with my life and how things are going, how I am feeling, and all those other things that make it well worth the read; however, it may take some awareness of the words to find the meaning and it may mean reading and rereading to truly understand what was read, because my blog will be full of metaphors, philosophy, and what ever suits my fancy at the time that does not cause undo stress to those that I love and care for. It is acceptable for me to put my life out there for the world to see but it is not acceptable for me to put others lives out there without their permission, so that will no longer occur. There is no need to put them under the magnifying glass at high noon just to see if they can feel the heat and recognize the source. Lessons have been learned all the way around.
Taking a Turn
The road I have been traveling is full of curves and cliffs, some guard rails are in place, and parts are gravel and get kind of skiddish when I try to go too fast. After months of traveling along this road I have come to a turn that put me on a back road. I have had to slow down and keep a careful eye on my speed, keep an eye out for bumps and dips, and be mindful of my surroundings and respond appropriately.
Slowing down and being aware is not a bad thing, it is just a thing, an important thing. This road, this back road that I now travel, this is the road that leads to a destination that I want to reach. There are no guard rails along this road. There are steep cliffs that could be dangerous if I lose sight of my goal to reach my destination. I will have challenges as I continue with my forward momentum. Those challenges may seem bigger and badder than they really are some days, so it is up to me to make sure that I have the sense of mind to remember this and keep things in perspective.
Life is taking a turn. I am taking a turn. It is a long awaited turn. Where it leads is a partial mystery; partial because all I do know for sure is that I have company along the way and where ever it leads we will arrive there together.
Slowing down and being aware is not a bad thing, it is just a thing, an important thing. This road, this back road that I now travel, this is the road that leads to a destination that I want to reach. There are no guard rails along this road. There are steep cliffs that could be dangerous if I lose sight of my goal to reach my destination. I will have challenges as I continue with my forward momentum. Those challenges may seem bigger and badder than they really are some days, so it is up to me to make sure that I have the sense of mind to remember this and keep things in perspective.
Life is taking a turn. I am taking a turn. It is a long awaited turn. Where it leads is a partial mystery; partial because all I do know for sure is that I have company along the way and where ever it leads we will arrive there together.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Needle and Thread, No Scissors
The tapestry that is my life, the complete story of who I am, has knots and tangled threads that are ugly and make it hard to focus on the bigger scheme of the story; instead the focus keeps coming back to that ugly mess in my tapestry. The first thirty-nine years of the tapestry has very few knots and tangles. The ones that are there are mostly from my childhood and none are as eye catching as the most recent ones.
It is like they say it only takes one "oh shit" to undo a lifetime of "atta boys". My "oh shit" was more than some are willing to forgive. The thing that I need to remember is that there is only two people in the world that need to consider forgiving my "oh shit" and those two people are me and Jeffrey, no one else's forgiveness really matters. I am not saying that I don't want them to forgive me; I am saying that I am focusing on gaining forgiveness from myself and from Jeffrey. I am not asking to forget, only to forgive, and through that forgiveness work on focusing on the future of the tapestry that is my life and allowing the eyes to see what is possible and imagine a life full of trust and happiness between Jeffrey and me.
I have no way to cut the knots and tangles from my tapestry. To do so would be to unravel all that was, all that is, and all that could be. There are no scissors, only needle and thread to clean up the view around the knots and tangles and the loom to weave what is left to weave of the tapestry of my life.
It is like they say it only takes one "oh shit" to undo a lifetime of "atta boys". My "oh shit" was more than some are willing to forgive. The thing that I need to remember is that there is only two people in the world that need to consider forgiving my "oh shit" and those two people are me and Jeffrey, no one else's forgiveness really matters. I am not saying that I don't want them to forgive me; I am saying that I am focusing on gaining forgiveness from myself and from Jeffrey. I am not asking to forget, only to forgive, and through that forgiveness work on focusing on the future of the tapestry that is my life and allowing the eyes to see what is possible and imagine a life full of trust and happiness between Jeffrey and me.
I have no way to cut the knots and tangles from my tapestry. To do so would be to unravel all that was, all that is, and all that could be. There are no scissors, only needle and thread to clean up the view around the knots and tangles and the loom to weave what is left to weave of the tapestry of my life.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Being The me That is Inside
There is a me that is inside that only gets to come out occasionally. That me is not for everyone to see or have as a part of their life. That me is a private me that very few know and know well. Sometimes I am not even sure I know that me as well as I should.
It is a me I want to get to know better and have the opportunity to share that me with more people. There are those that may appreciate that me and enjoy that me. I know that what I have seen of that me I appreciate and enjoy. That me is more daring. That me is more edgy. That me is who I want to be.
It is a me I want to get to know better and have the opportunity to share that me with more people. There are those that may appreciate that me and enjoy that me. I know that what I have seen of that me I appreciate and enjoy. That me is more daring. That me is more edgy. That me is who I want to be.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Positively Living
Keeping a positive outlook on life is not as easy as it used to be for me. Before it seemed that no matter what I could find a good side to everything and dwell on that instead of the icky stuff that surrounded it. Finding the good side is not as easy anymore. It seems that the mind grabs at this and that and the other and I end up grabbing mostly negative things. I am working hard to keep it positive, to remember that if I do what needs to be done, then and only then may I reap the rewards of all my efforts.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Grateful For the Little Moments
Today was a day that I have found that I am grateful for the little moments. I went to see my grands and they call me to their room to show me how they cleaned it up so well and then ask me to read from the "Humpty Dumpty Book" which is their Mother Goose Nursery Rhymes book. I sat on their bed with them eagerly listening as I worked my way through about thirty of the rhymes. They smiled, they laughed, and a few of the times they said the rhymes along with me. I am grateful for those little moments.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Do I Know?
Do I know what I have done?
Yes, I know.
Do I live with it?
For as long as I can.
Do I accept what is?
No, I do not.
Do I know how to change things?
No, not yet.
Do I live with hope?
Yes, I do.
Yes, I know.
Do I live with it?
For as long as I can.
Do I accept what is?
No, I do not.
Do I know how to change things?
No, not yet.
Do I live with hope?
Yes, I do.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Building a Bridge
Between us we see both sides. Between us we have lived on both sides. Between us is a river. It's current is moving fast and there are many rapids and sharp rocks with their jagged edges sticking up. The flowing water is so cold and full of its own life, unable to be dammed up or diverted. I am working on building a bridge to cross over that river so that we may let the past be water under the bridge, forgiven but not forgotten, and join together hand in hand once again.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Mother's Day Free Write
Today. Mother's Day. Mother's Day? Why just a day? It is an every day thing to be a mother when your children are living at home. It is an every day thing to care for them, keep them on task, and do what you can to ready them for the world that they will some day have to face alone, on their own, when you are no longer their for them to lean on.
Today was Mother's Day. My grands called me in the morning. My eldest soon after. I text my middle one and later in the day he text back. The youngest called and left a message. It was just another day, a day like all other days, and I know that tomorrow will be another day and that my boys love me and will always love me.
I don't want a day of the year to be recognized as a mother. I want every single day to be a day that my sons and grandsons know that I am here and I will be here for as long as this world allows me to be and that they too are loved.
Being a mother has changed over the years. I have had to stand back and watch and see what will happen, how the boys will handle their lives, and know that it was now my job to be available when they asked without interfering above and beyond what was asked of me. This change was not over night and I am still working on being able to stand back. I try. I want to give them the opportunity to live their lives as they see fit and support them in their endeavors as much as possible.
I cry because today is a day that has so much emphasis on Mother. I miss my mother, my mom, my mommy. It is difficult sometimes to know that she is gone and that when I am going through such ordeals as I am now that I do not have her to talk with, to get advice from, or to just have her give me a hug. She is not a phone call away. She is a conversation that I get to carry on with the air around me and gather the energy that it brings and allow my mind to form the words of wisdom that she might be kind enough to proffer to me.
Today was Mother's Day. My grands called me in the morning. My eldest soon after. I text my middle one and later in the day he text back. The youngest called and left a message. It was just another day, a day like all other days, and I know that tomorrow will be another day and that my boys love me and will always love me.
I don't want a day of the year to be recognized as a mother. I want every single day to be a day that my sons and grandsons know that I am here and I will be here for as long as this world allows me to be and that they too are loved.
Being a mother has changed over the years. I have had to stand back and watch and see what will happen, how the boys will handle their lives, and know that it was now my job to be available when they asked without interfering above and beyond what was asked of me. This change was not over night and I am still working on being able to stand back. I try. I want to give them the opportunity to live their lives as they see fit and support them in their endeavors as much as possible.
I cry because today is a day that has so much emphasis on Mother. I miss my mother, my mom, my mommy. It is difficult sometimes to know that she is gone and that when I am going through such ordeals as I am now that I do not have her to talk with, to get advice from, or to just have her give me a hug. She is not a phone call away. She is a conversation that I get to carry on with the air around me and gather the energy that it brings and allow my mind to form the words of wisdom that she might be kind enough to proffer to me.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Monday, March 7, 2011
Poem by Emily Dickinson
Much Madness is divinest Sense--
To a discerning Eye--
Much Sense--the starkest Madness--
'Tis the Majority
In this, as All, prevail--
Assent--and you are sane--
Demur--you're straightway dangerous--
And handle with a Chain--
To a discerning Eye--
Much Sense--the starkest Madness--
'Tis the Majority
In this, as All, prevail--
Assent--and you are sane--
Demur--you're straightway dangerous--
And handle with a Chain--
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Life Philosophy
Think?
Do you think?
Believe?
Do you believe?
Know?
Do you know?
To think is to
believe and to
believe is to know.
Written Junior Year of High School
Who am I and who am I becoming?
I am me and that me is daughter, sister, mother, wife, lover, friend, creative soul, crone, teacher, companion, listener, advocate, and Yaya (aka Grandmother).
I am becoming more the crone, gaining wisdom and understanding about how life is and ways to live life to the fullest without losing those things that are an intricate part of who I am already.
What are my guiding beliefs and values?
Do what thou will, harm none. I believe that I am a small intricate strand, of the great tapestry of life, that it is continuously being woven and the pattern changes with each decision that we make. I believe in fate with flexibility. I value the ability to communicate and connect with others, the opportunity to help those around me, and the experiences of life that allow us to give voice to who we are. I value family and friends that are as good, if not better, than family. I value the support, security, and trust that goes with being surrounded by those that care and want me to grow as a person. I value the connection that I have with my husband and the honesty and understanding that we have built together over the years. I value who I am.
What motivates and inspires me?
When I see an opportunity to help others I am motivated to find ways to do so. When I am encouraged by those that are a part of my life to accept new experiences and take on challenges I am motivated to do so. When I think of what my future holds for me if I continue on the path that I have chosen I am motivated to lengthen my stride and keep moving forward.
What do I need to do to take responsibility for my life?
I need to make sure that I have the proper foot holds and hand holds for climbing my cliff, that there are ledges for me to rest on and take sight of my progress, and that I become an active participant in my own life. One goal at a time, in a time that is reasonable, and keep sight of the bigger picture.
What is my life purpose-what am I here to contribute?
My purpose is to weave my way through life in a way that I connect with others and they connect with me, creating a network that is strong and supportive, and provides warmth and understanding through living.
What kind of world do I want to live in?
I want to live in a world that is open to all walks of life, without judgement, contempt, greed, or underhanded behavior. I want to live in a world that lives by the belief, "Do what thou will, harm none."
What will I do to leave the world a better place?
I will make a conscious effort to be impeccable with my word, not assume, remember it is not all about me, and to do my best. These are the four agreements as written by Don Miguel Ruiz in his Toltec Wisdom book, The Four Agreements. I will remember to be respectful of Mother Earth and help to keep her safe and healthy. I will teach my children, grandchildren, and those that I come in contact with the importance of living life in this way. Through these conscious efforts I will leave the world a better place.
Things to remember...
Everything happens for a reason and there is a reason for everything.
Bubble Blowing 101
Bubbles cause you to control your breathing, focus, and release. With every bubble blow out those thoughts and feelings that need to go, let them fly away in the breeze, pop and disappear.
Your best differs from dad to day. It's important to do the best you can for that day, at that time.
Fate is flexible.
What are my guiding beliefs and values?
Do what thou will, harm none. I believe that I am a small intricate strand, of the great tapestry of life, that it is continuously being woven and the pattern changes with each decision that we make. I believe in fate with flexibility. I value the ability to communicate and connect with others, the opportunity to help those around me, and the experiences of life that allow us to give voice to who we are. I value family and friends that are as good, if not better, than family. I value the support, security, and trust that goes with being surrounded by those that care and want me to grow as a person. I value the connection that I have with my husband and the honesty and understanding that we have built together over the years. I value who I am.
What motivates and inspires me?
When I see an opportunity to help others I am motivated to find ways to do so. When I am encouraged by those that are a part of my life to accept new experiences and take on challenges I am motivated to do so. When I think of what my future holds for me if I continue on the path that I have chosen I am motivated to lengthen my stride and keep moving forward.
What do I need to do to take responsibility for my life?
I need to make sure that I have the proper foot holds and hand holds for climbing my cliff, that there are ledges for me to rest on and take sight of my progress, and that I become an active participant in my own life. One goal at a time, in a time that is reasonable, and keep sight of the bigger picture.
What is my life purpose-what am I here to contribute?
My purpose is to weave my way through life in a way that I connect with others and they connect with me, creating a network that is strong and supportive, and provides warmth and understanding through living.
What kind of world do I want to live in?
I want to live in a world that is open to all walks of life, without judgement, contempt, greed, or underhanded behavior. I want to live in a world that lives by the belief, "Do what thou will, harm none."
What will I do to leave the world a better place?
I will make a conscious effort to be impeccable with my word, not assume, remember it is not all about me, and to do my best. These are the four agreements as written by Don Miguel Ruiz in his Toltec Wisdom book, The Four Agreements. I will remember to be respectful of Mother Earth and help to keep her safe and healthy. I will teach my children, grandchildren, and those that I come in contact with the importance of living life in this way. Through these conscious efforts I will leave the world a better place.
Things to remember...
Everything happens for a reason and there is a reason for everything.
Bubble Blowing 101
Bubbles cause you to control your breathing, focus, and release. With every bubble blow out those thoughts and feelings that need to go, let them fly away in the breeze, pop and disappear.
Your best differs from dad to day. It's important to do the best you can for that day, at that time.
Fate is flexible.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Maiden, Mother, Crone; Trust Your Tapestry
Everything happens for a reason and there is a reason for everything. Do what thou will, harm none. Never say you’re sorry; sorry falls between shit and syphilis in the dictionary. Don’t believe everything you here; being gullible is not attractive. Take ten seconds before opening your mouth and speaking; is what you have to say necessary? Will it improve the silence? Some people need a thought to speech filter that is more than ten seconds. Before asking for help doing a task remember the ten percent rule; you have to be ten percent smarter than anything you are trying to do. It isn't what you want in life that is important. Just because you want it, it doesn't mean you need it; want in one hand, spit in the other, and see which hand gets full first. As a Maiden life begins to unfold for you; you change and experience feelings and thoughts that are knew; if you uncross your legs you are inviting trouble. The first time is a mistake, an accident; the second time is on purpose. When you do uncross your legs know what you are getting into you; wrap it before you tap it. Maybe that should have been said before the first time I had sex and got pregnant. Before you leave a loved one make sure that you have said good-bye on a happy note and without bad feelings; it may be the last time you see them. If the person you are angry or upset with were to die would you want that to be the last thing you say to them? How important is the thing they did that made you angry or upset? Letting go of the negative and holding onto the positive will make the things in life easier to accept and deal with. Easier until all the little things that got swept under the rug create a bump, a bump big enough to trip over. There are consequences to uncrossing your legs. Can you imagine yourself growing old with that person? Can you deal with all the little things that they do, everyday, all day, and not lose your sanity? Careful of that bump in the rug. Everything happens for a reason and there is a reason for everything. Always dress in a way that you will not visually offend others; your clothes should fit without fitting so tight that they show off the rolls that Mother Nature has provided as life progresses; the only one that wants to see the maps of motherhood that have been stretched into your belly is the one that you are with intimately. Don’t dress like a hooker unless you are a hooker and you want to be known as a hooker. Find your style and wear it with confidence. It is not always easy to be comfortable in your own skin. There are lots of should do, should be, should want, should feel; those things that should are not always the same for every person and you should not do, be, want, or feel just because someone else tells you that you should. Would that be like jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge just because everybody else is? Be the best you that you can be for as long as you can be. It is not all about you. People have their own stuff going on and it is theirs, not yours, so don’t take it personally because it is not all about you. If you assume things you are asking to be wrong. Ask, don’t assume. Your word is just that, your word. Make sure that your word is worth its weight. When you are saying things just to please others and what you are saying is not honest or felt then you are asking for trouble. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Doing and saying things to make others happy all the time will harm more than help. Know the you that you are and be willing to accept it or work to change it. Everything happens for a reason and there is a reason for everything. Give your all to all you do; if a job is worth doing then it is worth doing well. Once you have uncrossed your legs they will never go back together. Some things just feel too good to not do them. Know what you are willing to do. As Mother you will connect with your child as you have connected with no other. You will feel all that they feel and suffer as you allow them to become an independent individual. Know that you have done your part in providing them with what they need to make it in the world. This would be one of the “do your best” moments in life. Once you have a child you will understand what it is to have no control. Letting go is not always easy. Doing what is right for yourself is not always right for those you love. Always be prepared to accept the consequences of your actions. No two people are alike, no two people believe the same, and no two people see the world the same way. Finishing someone else’s sentences because you know them so well is something worth experiencing. To love someone forever is subject to change; not everyone’s forever is the same. I will love him for as long as our forever is. Going against your own values will cause you to question all that you have ever believed, require you to reevaluate your values, and cause you to distrust yourself until you accept a new set of values. Growing as a person can cause you to outgrow those you love and care for. A Mother will do for her child above and beyond that which she would do for others. As a Mother, remember to allow your child to grow and learn and experience their own mistakes and the consequences of those mistakes, so that they may be a stronger, more confident person in the end. Watching your child make mistakes can break a Mother’s heart. You are one person with many hats; make sure that all the hats you wear fit you. As a Yaya you will be able to share your gathered knowledge and take on the role of Crone in the way Mother Nature intended you to; with patience and understanding you may offer advice and share your experiences; your story changes, your song expands, and your sense of self becomes more acute as you see the world as Crone. Trust your tapestry. The threads may seem all asunder, mayhem may be the view, however, if you step back and don’t look so close, you will be able to see the bigger picture, the many scenes that have made your life your own, and you will know; everything happens for a reason and there is a reason for everything.
Friday, February 4, 2011
History Lesson of My Life
Born to a mother that had already given birth to seven other children and had not intended on adding an eighth. My early childhood was spent living by the river, living in a rural area of Ohio (is there any area of Ohio that is not rural?), and being the product of a "broken home".
How many eight year olds get to experience driving across country in a station wagon with two older sisters, a cousin's girlfriend, the family dog, a mother, and all that your family owned? I know of one such eight year old. My mother drove us from Ohio to Oklahoma, through the Painted Desert and Petrified Forest, through the Red Woods, into Reno, and on to Oregon; our final destination.
A single mom with three daughters in a small town in Oregon that had a surprising amount of Ohio transplants. And these were not just any Ohio transplants; these were people my mother had known that were either family, friends of family, or people that were family of friends.
At fourteen I experienced sex for the first time. I experienced being with child. At fourteen I gave birth to the first of three sons. There is more to this story and a story I will share, however, here it is only a history lesson and that lesson is an outline of my history.
Graduation from high school with a diploma and a three year old son was an accomplishment or so I have been told. With the help and support of my mother and other relatives I was able to stay in school, get decent grades, and be social enough to not feel that I was an outcast for having had my son. He was a part of my class, he was a part of my extra curricular activities, and he was adored by all who had the opportunity to be around him.
A week after turning eighteen I became involved with the man I would spend the next twenty plus years with, have two sons with, and be dependent on in ways that were not always healthy.
So much bouncing around from one small community to another, raising the boys into young men, becoming a Yaya (aka grandmother), and finding my way to college for the first time made for a life that seemed to be anything but my own.
This history lesson of me is an outline on a time line of my life. There are so many threads that are woven together, twisted and inner twined, that create the tapestry that has been my life. As this blog grows and progresses there will be elaborations on events of the past, situations of the present, and the dreams for the future.
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